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February 24 Q. Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A. He's all right now.
Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.
Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.
Q. Where do you find a no legged dog?
A. Right where you left him.
Q. Where do you get virgin wool from?
A. Ugly sheep.
Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. They're trying to get away from the noise.
Q. What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?
A. They both circle Uranus looking for Black Holes.
Q. How do you double the value of a Geo Metro?
A. Fill it with gas.
Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A. Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.
You should always give 100% at work...
12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday; 5% Friday
Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?
A. Ground beef.
Q. What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A. The taste!
Q. Did you hear about the new "divorced" Barbie doll that they're selling in stores now?
A. It comes with all of Ken's stuff.
Q. What does a skeleton get when he goes to a bar?
A. A beer and a mop.
Q. What do you call Maoris on Prozac?
A. Once were worriers.
Q. What's a hindu?
A. Lays eggs.
Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
A. About two - if they're thinly sliced.
Q. What do you call a man with no arms or legs that can swim across a pool?
A. Clever Dick
Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
A. The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Q. How many ears did Davy Crockett have?
A. Three - his left ear, his right ear, and his wild front ear.
Q. Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping?
A. He loved it, but it scared the hell out of his dog.
Q. Why did the leper crash his car?
A. He left his foot on the accelerator.
Q. What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?
A. Wipe him off, apologize and RUN!
Q. What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
A. Swim!
Q. Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
A. Because it was dead.
Q. Why did the Leper go back into the shower?
A. He forgot his Head and Shoulders.
Q. What do you get when a Leper takes a bath?
A. Soup.
Q. Why did the ref call a penalty during the Leper Hockey game?
A. Because there was a face off in the corner.
Q. What's a Lepers favorite sport?
A. Football.
Q. What is Osama bin Laden's idea of safe sex?
A. Marking the camels that kick.
Q. What should Kabul get for its air defense system?
A. A refund.
Q. Why did the tree fall down?
A. The koala forgot to let go.
Q. How many male chauvinist pigs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
Q. What do you do if a bird shits on your car?
A. Don't ask her out again.
Q. What do you call 100 men at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A. A computer only needs the information punched into it once.
Q. Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A. Because they taste funny.
Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A. No-Eye Deer. (sound like No Idea)
Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A. Still no eye deer.
Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no sexual organs?
A. Still no fucking eye deer.
Q. Why are women like condoms?
A. They spend 90% of their time in your wallet, and 10% on your dick.
Q. What can a lifesaver do for a woman a man can't?
A. Cum in five different flavours.
Q. Who is the poorest guy in West Virginia?
A. The Tooth Fairy
Q. Did you hear that Fed Ex and UPS are going to merge?
A. Yeah. They're going to call it FED UP!
Q. What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman?
A. The car salesman can probably drive!
Q. Did you hear about the guy who's a dyslexic-bulimic?
A. He eats, and then he sticks his finger up his ass.
Q. What do your boss and a slinky have in common?
A. They're both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.
August 20 oh my god not been on here for ages and how much has it changed and i have all these comments ive not even read there is people out there who love me and i never even knew it lol gonna try and come back on here more often so i can catch up with some pals and write some random blogs and maybe even get some of the jokes back on here xxxx
March 24
How to Order Pizza By Phone
Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
Use CB lingo where applicable.
Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
Answer their questions with questions.
In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's Master of Puppets" CD.
Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
Stutter on the letter "p."
Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
Ask what the order taker is wearing.
Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up. 22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
Change your accent every three seconds.
Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."
If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
Rent a pizza.
Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
Imitate the order taker's voice.
Eliminate verbs from your speech.
When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
Play a sitar in the background.
Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
Ask to see a menu.
Quote Carl Sandberg.
Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
Psychoanalyze the order taker.
Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
Report a petty theft to the order taker.
Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
Try to talk while drinking something.
Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"
Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
Be vague in your order.
When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
Put them on hold.
Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
When you're given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
Haggle.
Order a one-inch pizza.
Order term life insurance.
When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
Engage in some serious swapping.
Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
Order a steamed pizza.
Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
How to Pass Your Exam
Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
Bring cheerleaders.
Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.
On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
Bring pets.
Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).
Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Screw this!" and walk out triumphantly.
Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink).
Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
Bring a water pistol with you. (nuff Said)
From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks" Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had
accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the
restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction. "Quick, man,"
he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?" "Nothing," replied the
waiter. "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."
7 Shots of Vodka!
Man goes to the bar and says "bartender, give me 7 shots of Vodka."
The bartender says "Ok, but pal you are gonna hurt yourself with that." The man says "Just pour them."
The man takes the first shot and the bartender says "Hey, you want to talk about it"? The man says "No!" and drinks the next 2 shots.
The bartender says "Come on and tell me about it I've got a good ear, that's why a lot of people come here for, to tell their troubles."
The man by then has finished the 7 shots and says "Ok, today was my first blowjob." The bartender says "Hey great, have another on the house."
The man says "No, if 7 doesn't get the taste out, nothing will!" |
The Vodka Joke
-Dad, they increased vodka prices again. It'll be hard for you, since you'll have to drink less !
- No sonny, it'll be hard for you - you're gonna eat less !
Finnish drinking game
There are two versions of this game for Finns; regular and advanced.
Regular: Three Finnish guys go into the sauna, each with half a litre of Kossu (Finland's famous Koskenkorva vodka). They each drink the vodka, and then one guy goes outside. The other two have to guess who went outside....
Advanced: TWO Finnish guys go into the sauna, each with a litre of Kossu. They each drink the vodka, and then one guy goes outside. The other guy has to guess who went outside....
This guy does into a bar and says, "Hey barman, give me 6 double vodka's!"
The barman lines them up on the bar and goes, "Man, you must've had one hell of a day!"
The guy says, "Yeah, I just found out my older brother is gay."
Next day, the same guy comes into the same bar and orders the same drinks. The same barman is there and goes, "Now what?"
The guy goes, "I just found out my younger brother is gay, too."
Next day, same guy, same bar, same drinks. The barman goes,"Damn! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man replies, "Yeah, my wife!"
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PISSING VODKA
Igor, a successful Russian agrarian, is walking along the shore of the Black Sea. He finds an odd shaped lamp, so he picks it up and rubs it in jest. Out pops a Genie and promises to grant Igor only one wish.
"Gee, I have everything I need. I have a beautiful loving spouse, more money than I could ever spend, and I am free to travel anywhere in the world tending to my business interests. I really can't think of anything that I really need," says Igor.
"Think hard," says the Genie, "there must be something you wish that you had."
So Igor thinks long and hard for 20 minutes. Finally he says, "You know, I really do love drinking good Vodka, but sometimes I just can't find it when I want some. Therefore, I wish that I could piss Vodka."
"Very well," says the Genie, "Pissing Vodka you shall have."
The genie hands him a glass and instructs him to piss in it. He does. Then she asks him to smell it. He does. Then she asks him to taste it. He does.
"This is the best Vodka I've ever tasted!" Igor exclaims. "Thank you."
The Genie disappears, and Igor returns home. That night Igor gets 2 glasses and pisses into each one. He takes them into the den and gives one to his wife to drink and one for himself.
"This is delicious," his wife Raisa tells him.
So every night for the next 5 night he comes home from work, pisses in 2 glasses and enjoys the drink with his wife. On the seventh night he comes home from work but only pisses Vodka into one glass.
When he enters the den, Raisa asks him,"Where is my drink dear Igor."
"Ah," Igor replies, "Tonight I will teach you how to drink right from the bottle."
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!
| June 08
A guy took his blonde girlfriend on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, the guy catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. The guy turns to his girlfriend ans says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"
The girlfriend says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.
She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again, for no reason."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"
The red head says, "Oh sure, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says "Don't you have a vase?"
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a large truck. The driver was outraged and was eventually able to make her pull over.
He got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde in his most threatening voice, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!"
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
Now he's getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now she's laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets an extra can of diesel fuel, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"
Two blondes meet in Heaven. "How did you die?", the first one asks."Oh! I died in a freezer," the second blonde replied." So how did you die?" The second blonde asks, "Well, I suspected my husband was having an affair, so one day when I came home early from work, I looked all over the house, trying to look for the other woman because I saw that my husband was naked. When I coming upstairs from searching the basement, I slipped and broke my neck. I never got to find that woman," replied the first blonde. The second blonde then says, "If only you looked in the freezer, maybe we both might still have been alive!" A recent survey was conducted to discover why blondes get out of bed in the middle of the night:
- 5% said it was to get a glass of water.
- 12% said it was to go to the toilet.
- 83% said it was to go home
The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise.
"You need to make sure this dog runs around," the doctor said.
"Try playing a game of fetch with him."
"I can't play fetch with my dog," the blonde said. "Why not?" the doctor asked.
"Because," she replied, "He can't throw." May 06 These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year. __________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. _______________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? _____________________________________ Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years. ______________________________________ Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan. ______________________________________ Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo? A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo. __________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? A: Did you actually pass the bar exam? __________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? __________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? __________________________________
Q: So the date of conception of your baby was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time? __________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls? __________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated? ______________________________________ Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female? __________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. __________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral. __________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. __________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? __________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
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Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane.
One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"
The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about nuclear power?"
The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first:
"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets, the cow, big patties, and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"
The first guy says, "I don't know."
The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?" 
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There were three little old ladies sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
The first lady immediately had a stroke.
Then the second lady also had a stroke.
But the third lady, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far. 
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A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK, old fart, time to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, you can't handle ALL these chickens. Look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over."
The old rooster says "I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair, I'll give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He's already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by, one right behind the other. He grabs his shotgun and BOOM! -- he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head, "Damn...third gay rooster I've bought this month."
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A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far.
His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside.
He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!" 
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Two men are driving through London when they get pulled over by a cop.
The cop walks up and taps on the window with his stick.
The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the officer smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?".
The officer answers, "You're in London son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."
The officer does a check on the driver's license, and he's O.K..
He gives the man his license back, walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the officer smacks him on the head with the stick. The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"
The officer says, "Just making your wish come true."
The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"
The officer says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your friend here, "I wish that a*shole would've tried that sh*t with me!" 
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There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.
Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. No even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me." 
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A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano! Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy You hoped nobody found out! Compress was something you did to garbage Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for a while! Log on was adding wood to a fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commode! Cut - you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A web was a spider's home And a virus was the flu! I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead!
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